Satisfying the Persistent Desire for Acknowledgment in the Workplace

A leader, renowned for their compassion and collaborative approach, grappled with a latent craving for approval. This individual demonstrated genuine concern for their team, regularly inquiring about their well-being and offering assistance. Team members felt encouraged approaching them, valuing their insights. However, beneath this congenial facade, lurked a personal struggle. This leader's intense desire for approval surfaced as a hesitancy to make autonomous decisions. In group meetings, they proposed suggestions, yet actively sought reactions, allowing even the subtlest hint of disapproval to undermine their confidence.

Boasting expertise in various areas, they sought consensus on every decision, frequently delaying projects for weeks or even months while pursuing universal acceptance. Such behavior, driven by a need for confirmation, might be misconstrued. During a 360-degree feedback session, colleagues, while appreciating the leader's compassion, were reluctant to offer direct feedback or tackle challenging issues out of fear of offending. This hesitation created a lack of clarity and established boundaries within the team.

The team yearned for more decisive leadership. This feedback was tough, but it enabled the leader to acknowledge that their desire for approval was impeding their effectiveness and the team's overall success. This phenomenon is prevalent among 'sensitive strivers': while a yearning for acceptance is instinctive when self-worth and decision-making become overly dependent on external validation, it becomes counterproductive.

So, how can the leader navigate this predicament?

Examine Inner Urges: "Gut Check"

"Gut checks" are pivotal for leadership, especially for those who may struggle with a need for approval. In the rush of daily work, we often react habitually without thinking. A "gut check" is a deliberate pause to break these automatic responses and analyze the underlying reasons behind our actions.

Here's a breakdown:

Habitual Responses: We develop patterns of behavior, especially under stress. These responses might not always be the most considered or thoughtful.
Pattern Interrupter: A gut check is a pause to disrupt these automatic reactions.
Examining Motivations: The pause allows us to scrutinize why we're responding in a certain way. Are we acting based on what is best for the team and organization (intrinsic motivations)? Or are we driven by a desire to be liked, praised, or avoid criticism (extrinsic motivators)?
Internal vs. External Drivers: It is crucial to differentiate between these drivers. Internal drivers are founded on personal values and morals, while external drivers revolve around seeking validation from others.
Balancing Impulses and Reason: Gut checks help balance emotional reactions (impulses) with rational, long-term thinking. This ensures that fear or the need for approval doesn't obstruct our judgment.
The Decision-Making Key Question: Ask this question: "Am I making this choice because I sincerely believe it's the right course, or because I want to be seen a certain way?" This helps determine whether an action originates from genuine conviction or the need for validation.
Playing the Role of Devil's Advocate: This encourages self-reflection by questioning your assumptions and decisions. By arguing against yourself, you can recognize potential flaws in your thinking and ensure your choices are well-reasoned, not just driven by a desire for approval.

Form Opinions Independently

Form your own independent opinions before considering the opinions of others, especially if you tend to seek approval. If you do not solidify your viewpoint, you are easily influenced by the most persuasive person, even if you don't genuinely agree. This occurs due to an inclination to fit in and be seen as a team player.

Here's a breakdown:

Lack of Personal Perspective: Without a clear personal perspective, you become susceptible to the influence of others.
Concurring for the Incorrect Reasons: You might agree with someone not because you genuinely concur, but to gain approval or avoid conflict.
The Solution: Independent Thinking: Research and reflect on information before consulting others. Form your conclusions first.
Value of Clarity: It is not about being inflexible. It's about developing conviction in your convictions. Establishing a personal perspective based on your knowledge and experience provides a sense of self-validation, reducing the need to seek it externally.
Adaptability (but on Your Terms): Forming your opinion first allows you to thoughtfully and deliberately change your mind based on new information. This is different from changing your stance simply to gain approval or follow the crowd. You're open to influence, but you're not passively swayed by it. You make a conscious choice to adapt your viewpoint, not just go along with what is popular.

Apply the "So What?" Test

Instead of being paralyzed by the fear of others' perceptions, confront those anxieties directly with the "so what?" test. Ask yourself: "So what if not everyone likes this decision? So what if it doesn't meet every expectation? So what if I need to adjust my course later?" This simple yet powerful exercise helps provide perspective. It pulls you back from preoccupying yourself with pleasing everyone and refocuses you on what truly matters - making principled, values-based choices.

Often, the presumed negative consequences are much worse than reality. You will also grasp that encountering criticism and experiencing setbacks are normal aspects of leadership, not reflections of your worth or abilities. The aim is to move away from a mindset of avoiding disapproval altogether and instead embrace a growth-oriented approach, where you learn and develop from challenges and feedback.

Pause Before Reacting

In the face of mixed reactions to a change, resist the impulse to seek immediate validation from superiors. Instead, pause, offering yourself time to reflect before taking further action. This waiting period allows you to process feedback, distinguishing helpful criticism from simple resistance to change. A useful practice is to implement a 24-hour rule for responding to any contentious or emotionally charged situation. This delay creates space for perspective and enables emotions to subside, leading to more thoughtful responses. Frequently, the desire for immediate validation lessens with time. If the need for instant validation remains strong during this waiting period, seek guidance from a trusted mentor or colleague-but focus on obtaining objective insights, not just confirmation of your choices.

Keep Promises to Yourself

Establishing self-trust by keeping small promises to yourself-like prioritizing your needs or sharing your ideas-reduces reliance on external validation. Honoring these commitments reinforces your belief in your reliability and integrity, which is essential for confident decision-making. Start with small, achievable promises that are meaningful yet manageable. If you slip-up, view it as a learning experience to adjust your approach, not a reason for self-criticism.

Freeing yourself from the need for constant approval doesn't require compromising empathy or compassion. Truly effective leaders comprehend how to balance caring for their team with making decisive choices, projecting warmth and strength while holding steadfast convictions.

"Overcoming Your Need for Constant Validation at Work" by Melody Wilding. HBR, 2023/12

To reinforce their leadership, this individual should engage in regular "gut checks" to examine their motivations behind decisions and ensure they are driven by intrinsic factors, not an excessive need for approval.
To become more decisive, the leader could develop a habit of forming their opinions independently, first gaining a clear personal perspective before considering others' views, thus reducing reliance on external validation.